If you’re trying to attract your lifelong partner, you want to put your best foot forward. You want to make it seem like you have a lot of life experiences because that means you can handle a lot of things.
That’s attractive in a partner. Of course, if you spit out everything you’ve ever done before you even meet, then that doesn’t leave much for the first date, does it? While the guy has to hold up his end of the conversation as well, it seems as if this gal put it all out at once, which didn’t leave much discovery for the in-person meeting.
I Just Want to Include Him
A movie is a classic first-date option, but it's become a little tired over the years. Better to do something with a bit of activity, like a nice hike or a walk through town. Still, the theaters get plenty of play, but this one wasn't going to come up with a second date.
Using your gal as a personal coin carrier is never a smooth move. It could have been if she had also been playing, but it doesn't seem like that was the case. And then, of course, Dad shows up. Reconnecting with a lost family member is an admirable thing, but don't try to do it at the same time as a first date. There are other days in the week.
Man of Steel He Is Not
We're going to go out on a limb and say that showing up dressed like Superman isn't exactly a misstep – it's a classic look, but you should make sure you can pull it off. Maybe that's just how he looks his best. You can't blame someone for that. But, the other mistakes are just that, mistakes.
And while making a goof of yourself once or twice during a date is one thing, this guy had a few more for his lucky gal. Aren't there vegetarian options at sushi places these days? Then the sake spill, the pics, the love story...it's just a little too much to handle.
No Dine and Dash
We don't know how a guy can think to even leave his home without his wallet these days, much less for a date, where he very well might be expected to pay. A simple mistake that we all make sometimes, but this time it came with far more than just financial implications.
He also had to sit across from the person he was hoping to make a good impression on. But that wasn't to be the case, unfortunately, since his friends had to come and bail him out. Did he let the gal escape, or did she stay until the bill cleared? One way or another, no second date.
No, Wait, I Didn't Mean It
Hopefully, the relationship would have gotten there eventually, but this was still pretty early to be sending those kinds of messages. Especially if he's just been in the bathroom for a couple of minutes.
That's not even enough time to wash his hands, which is something that he was definitely doing. Of course, this is an easy thing to explain away just by showing the text thread that she had going with her roommate. Still, it's the kind of thing that can drape a certain flavor over a night out. Just make sure you're properly embarrassed when he gets back from the john.
You Could Have Just Said No
Feeling nauseous on Valentine's day is going to result in some bad experiences since at the very least you have a high chance of coming across some fragrant flowers or rich chocolate. There's cologne and perfume, and the expectation of a perfect night to add on top of it, which makes things even more difficult.
This poor guy went the extra mile to ask out his special someone, but things just couldn't be perfect, even with a sweet gesture like this one. We like to think that if she hadn't blown chunks all over everything, she would have said yes. She probably had to say yes.
Considerate, We Guess
Let's hand out some points here. The guy was so nervous that he threw up – that's going to be a hefty deduction. Vomit on a date is a poor addition, just ask...well, anybody. Anybody in the entire world. However, he didn't let any escape, which is going to earn him a few in return. Certainly not enough to zero out the account, but it's something at least.
And then he excused himself to use the bathroom to make sure everything was clean and tidy. That's even more help. Does that take him to positive numbers? It might, but not after he tries to give the gal a kiss. Unless the movie theater bathroom has some mouthwash, it's not going to be enough.
Could Have Been Much Worse
It's nice to know that even if you have a first date that results in actual, physical harm, it can still turn out to be a success story. We'd love to know more about how a candle set a guy's foot on fire.
Maybe his skin is really dry, or he has a lot of hair on his feet. Well, one way or another, an accidental bump resulted in burns, but it seems like there was also the fire of love that started burning that night. Maybe a little too hot to start out, but still, there it is.
Getting Notified
Well, we have good news: you already have something to complain about right back to her. And, in all likelihood, the things you can complain about will be far more worth it than whatever she was talking about.
We don't know what the lady was upset about, but talking about it on Facebook while the date is still going is what the kids call a big oof. We hope that he called her out on it, and we then hope that the girl went home and had a nice, long look in the mirror before deciding to change herself for the better.
The Dating Dancing
Sure, driving a full two hours to get a date where she needed to be is a lot for a first date, but at least he was willing to go the extra mile. Of course, he also refused to set a time to pick her up, which leads us to believe that this guy is a plumber during his day job.
But none of that is important – did you see his moves out on the dance floor? This gal had a nice view, since she didn't actually get to do much dancing, and that was short-lived since he didn't think she would be able to keep up anyway.
Floater Found
First dates are some of the most important outings in your life. Another person is putting you to task, and you're doing the same – is this person right for me? Does this person make me happy? Do I want to have children with this person? Is he healthy financially? Is she healthy mentally? And on and on.
Even if it isn't intentional, that's what we're doing. This guy – Austin – made it clear that he wasn't exactly going to pass all of those tests with flying colors. We don't know if pooping in a lake is illegal, but it's certainly not cool for a number of reasons.
Make Sure You Have Options
Here's a bit of good advice for those who might just be dipping a toe into the dating scene: A first date should be planned. You have things in mind.
It's just the two of you, and guys – pay. Have a good idea to start – a coffee shop, a walk, or a show. Something easy like that. After that, have something planned for what you could do afterward. It doesn't have to be anything crazy. Something like grabbing ice cream after a hike, or a quick meal at a neat restaurant after a movie.
It's Called Asserting Your Dominance
If you're a dad, you know that you want the best for your special little girl. If that means showing off what you can do after a lifetime of training to her date, then that's what it will take. We have to admit, if this happened to us, we'd mostly just be impressed that someone can fart for a minute straight.
That's a lot of air, and most people just don't have that kind of capacity. Of course, if you're the girl in this situation, then you're going to be mortified, which also might be part of the reasoning behind this sleepy toot.
Your Car Insurance Payment Is Overdue
This guy goes through all the trouble of inviting someone over for a home-cooked meal, only to have her invade his personal space after she's stepped inside. Did you know that opening someone else's mail without their express permission is actually a felony? It's called “Obstruction of Correspondence,” and it includes opening someone else's mail.
It could even lead to prison time. Why this lady thought it was a good idea is beyond us. Maybe she just thought she was doing him a favor by getting rid of some junk mail. Maybe she has issues respecting other people's personal space.
Grandma Probably Has Stories
Double dates can be a lot of fun, but you have to make sure everything is laid out beforehand, such as “is this actually a double date, or are you just bringing your grandmother for some reason.” We'd love to know why this girl thought it was a good idea to bring her grandmother to the date, but we don't think we'll ever figure it out.
Was she scared of being on a date on her own? Did she want to spend quality time with her dear old Gram? Maybe Grandma was also getting back into the dating scene? It seems like the girl could use some tips.
Just Wanted to Make Sure You Knew
Well, what else was he going to do in the bathroom? And, in all probability, he WAS thinking about her from the bathroom – he was still on the date and everything. He was taking special care to clean himself up (we hope) and make sure he looked just as good going into the bathroom as he did coming out.
Of course, telling the girl that from the bathroom on the very first date probably wasn't his strongest play. Being overly attentive and clingy is a sign of desperation, and that's never an attractive quality. Well, at least he didn't send a picture.
And I Got You a Swift Kick in the Pants
If it's been discussed beforehand, and it's maybe a little tongue-in-cheek, a box of hair dye seems like it might be a funny gift on a first date. For instance, if the gal enjoys dying her hair in different colors. But showing up with a box of hair dye because you don't like a girl's color and presenting it to her on the first date is gonna be a no from us, chief.
In fact, if you're on a first date, here's how it goes: the lady looks lovely. Everything about her is perfect. If you're interested in her, lie through your teeth. Don't put her down.
Good Distance
It's good to know that a guy can shoot an onion out of his nose and still be good enough for a second date. Of course, it probably wasn't an entire onion, just a chunk of it. Still, brave of him to make such a stinky choice for a meal and still succeed.
We have to get this guy's deets and pick his brain about how to get past these kinds of issues. He's married, so you know that he probably has some good advice. Of course, it might have helped that he choked on an omelet. Sympathy points are still worth something, even in our modern age.
And That Was the Right Choice
THAT was this guy's opening move? A full-hand taste? It's amazing he's still single – you don't see that kind of chivalry anywhere anymore. He didn't miss an inch. He did miss out on the rest of the date, because bleugh.
We don't really want to know what was going through this guy's head when he came up with the idea for that. Maybe one of his friends told him it was a good idea? In which case, that friend deserves a smack. But, if he came up with it on his own, maybe he'll learn that it was the wrong idea.
One in a Million
We'd like to try and imagine the odds, but we have no idea how to calculate something like that. Number of cops, number of tickets written per day, number of blind dates per year? Those aren't exactly readily-available facts (we tried). However, it's very likely that this was far rarer than one in a million, and that might not even be taking everything into account.
That's all by the wayside, however, since this almost certainly resulted in a short date that didn't have a follow-up. One of the perils of being a public defender is that the woman who is going sixty in a residential zone might be the same one you're meeting that night for dinner.
Jumping Out of There
First, let's get the most obvious fact out of the way: a frog jump festival sounds like an amazing first date. How many people have been to one of those? That sounds like a really good time. But on to the rest. The big red flag is that the guy's wife had to get a restraining order on him – that just seems like something that should warn you away.
Maybe the wife is the one in the wrong, and that's just how things turned out, but it's usually for a good reason. Also, the fact that he went to the same place as his wife might have been a coincidence, but it also makes us question whether it was intentional or not.
Oh Come On, They Wash Them
Yeah, we're going with the girl on this one. Having an itchy back is something that happens to everyone, but...don't use a butter knife. We can't believe we have to say this so often, but those are pretty much just for butter, Nutella, and maybe for other spreadable stuff.
If you can't spread it on a piece of bread, then don't reach for the butter knife. If you have to address the situation, use your hand and only your hand. And try to be cool about it – you don't want to act like you've got hives or something. Man, dating has a lot of rules.
Well, Yeah, But...
And absolutely no one could blame you. Except for the girl that seems to think lying to others is a good start to a relationship. She thinks that it's just a one-one transfer from a guy to a girl like that, missing the many, many reasons it isn't.
Lying to others when you're trying to start a relationship is a no-go from the start, and people who catfish (which means to lie, in some way, about who you are online) need to understand they aren't going to get anywhere. Sure, take photos at the best angles, and put your best foot forward, but don't lie.
Learning Some Interesting New Names
There are a lot of weird first-date options, but a graveyard has got to be one of the strangest. Still, depending on the person, things might work out. It's probably serene, you can bring up some of life's more difficult questions, and you might even feel a bit spooked – which, paradoxically, is not a bad option for a first date.
A double date might work out even better since there are other people there, and that means more of a support net if the date is a bad one. Unfortunately, having to hunt through the graves for keys makes all that different. And, particularly, worse.
Well, That's Good to Know
Now, tradition has been shifting a lot recently, but for the most part, the guys are still expected to “shell” out for the goods when they ask a girl out. ESPECIALLY if they ask the girl out. Plenty of people find that it's perfectly reasonable to split the bill, but this is the kind of thing that should be decided beforehand.
And, most particularly, not muttered from the other side of a menu while you're looking at the dishes that are available. This is a good time for a rule of thumb: If you ask the girl out, be prepared to pay for all of it. She has to offer three times before you'll allow her to help out.
I'm Cool Like That
You know what the best part about this story is? For most people, we're only breathing through one nostril at a time. Thus, if this lady was telling the truth about her skills, and not just saying the first thing that came to mind, she'd actually be doing a better job than everyone else.
Our nasal passages are constantly going through a process called the nasal cycle of congestion and decongestion, which means one nostril is pretty much constantly doing most of the work. So this lady can be proud that her nostrils are so effective. Just think about all that wonderful oxygen that she's getting.
It's a Sport, Right?
Dates are supposed to be conversations. You're supposed to get to know the other person, to see if they could be a good fit for your life. You're supposed to let them talk, you're supposed to talk about yourself. It's a two-way street. But this gal seemed to have missed that lesson, probably while she was watching basketball.
Everybody likes a little bit of hoopin' now and then, but if you can't open your mouth without talking about the sport – and then insult someone for not knowing everything you do – you might take a look at the person in the mirror after your next failed date.
Points for Trying?
I was about to make fun of taking a girl on a first date to the library, but...high school. Your options are limited. That's probably why the guy decided that he would try and write a song for his beau. It's not like he can drive her somewhere fancy, or pay for a big meal, or something like that.
He could present her with flowers...actually, he probably could have done that. He, in fact, should have done that. But, no, he decided to write a song and sing it (we're going to assume badly) in a library, which is where you should try and be quiet.
What We Call a Red Flag
This story takes a couple of turns. It starts out well, and then it has the girl wonder if the guy could be a serial killer. Sure, that seems reasonable enough. They're actually pretty rare, but they're still scary. Then, almost as if turning on a dime, she starts moving quite a bit faster. Sorry to say, lady, but one date doesn't make a boyfriend.
You gotta define the relationship when everybody is cool with it. And then she just goes and drops the L-word on the very same day. Sure, some people have a looser definition of love, but that's still a bit hair-raising on the first date. And then the guy's an angel? This beautiful, interesting lady was still on Tinder for a reason, it seems.
“Back in Black” Was a Poor Choice, to Be Fair
A well-timed serenade could very well be the highlight of a relationship but notice the crucial word there. Well-timed. If you're pulling out a love song the very first time you meet someone else, the chance of it meaning as much is a bit less.
If this is something that you think you want to try, at least make sure you know each other long enough to have a song you think she'll like. Maybe something she mentions. Sure, there are plenty of classic options out there, but not everybody thinks “Hello” by Lionel Richie is as good as we think it is. Give it some time and pick a winner.
But It Was the Special Sauce!
Burger King is...well, it's not great, but if that's where you like to eat, there are still worse options. They make some good burgers, we guess. But, uh, don't take someone there on a first date.
We're left wondering how this guy even got a date in the first place – ate way too much, talked about himself the whole time, and there was also some suspicious clean-up after he was through eating. This gal was right to call the date off after the attempted kiss – you can't go in with goop on your mouth. That's just not cool.
Do You Like Cloth?
If you're trying to attract your lifelong partner, you want to put your best foot forward. You want to make it seem like you have a lot of life experiences because that means you can handle a lot of things.
That's attractive in a partner. Of course, if you spit out everything you've ever done before you even meet, then that doesn't leave much for the first date, does it? While the guy has to hold up his end of the conversation as well, it seems as if this gal put it all out at once, which didn't leave much discovery for the in-person meeting.
Doesn't Count as Second Base
This scary story, we almost hate to admit it, made us laugh a little more than we expected. Thankfully, everybody was okay in the end, but the guy was too embarrassed to make it to the second date.
Honestly, out of all the bad dates on this list, we think it might deserve a second night. Of course, the gal might not want to bring up the memories of almost dying, so it's possible that she was okay with not hearing from him again.
Sometimes They Just Know Things
Many, many, many first date stories are horrendous enough to mean the two people decide to never see each other again, or one of them decides to block the other person. Thus, it's nice to see that at least one of them has ended up in a relationship that, if the story is to be believed, is standing the test of time.
Also, from the number of people that have a hard time removing bras, you'd think that they wouldn't just fall off like that, but apparently, that's an option. Of course, it wasn't “fall off,” it was “undid.” We assume it just came unhooked in the back.
Stuck With the Bill
When it comes to dining and dashing before the check comes, it seems to us that it's more often the ladies, but this guy wanted his chance to do so, too. He ate the most expensive meal (which could have been anything from a big pizza to a lobster dinner) and then took off.
He was absolutely planning to do so, which makes this even worse. He asks a girl out (maybe), they go on a date, and then he dashes out through the bathroom window after having some dinner on her dime. Real cool, bud. The Council of Men will be investigating next week, so be ready for a court appearance.
That Wasn't in the Profile
Yes, that was certainly a bad first date, but at least it wasn't a bad third date or something like that. The wife didn't have to show up when he was proposing to you. And could you imagine having to figure out where his wife would sit during the wedding reception?
That kind of thing must be a nightmare. But it didn't go that far, since the wife showed up on the first date. Look, man, if you're going to play the field while you're already signed, at least turn your phone tracking off. What is this, amateur hour?
Haha! No Thanks, Also Bye
Double dipping, huh? We get it. If you're in a band, you're telling the girls you take on dates. Maybe you've written a couple of books on Amazon – obviously, you're going to be telling people about them, such as in the articles you write.
This guy was part of a pyramid scheme...oh, we're sorry. A “Multi-level marketing” scheme, which is what they call pyramid schemes now. Instead of trying to see if this girl was the woman of his dreams, he was doing little more than trying to make money off of her. We wonder how many other women he's taken to the very same place.
I'm a People Person
But the question is, does he have any UX experience? Otherwise, she is NOT interested. If you're nervous about dates, it might seem like a good idea to treat them like an interview.
That's not too far off, but if you're dressed to the nines and talking about your technical skills the whole time, the other person isn't going to be all that interested. You should be getting to know him or her while you're also extolling your own virtues. Remember that you're also interviewing your date, so you want to hear from the other side of the table, too.
A Big Twist Ending
Well, if that isn't quite the surprise. After all of that garbage, and more, the two end up somehow getting hitched and settling into a real relationship. We wonder what her side of the story is. Was she frosty because she was nervous about the hunk who had asked her out?
Or, maybe she was frosty because she knows she gets car sick. Then she was upset because someone crashed into the car – hard to blame her. After all that, she doesn't even get to enjoy any healthy vegan food, since the small village restaurant wasn't prepared. But, that guy sure was special, wasn't he?
Not Wasting Any Time
A first date is a very special event. Unless you're this guy, apparently, who had two going on during the same day, at the same time, at the same restaurant. We're tempted to call this a script from an episode of “Seinfeld” or something like that.
It's hard to believe that someone would actually try and pull this kind of stunt, and we're sitting here trying to figure out why. Were both women only available on that specific day? Was the guy's social calendar just so jam-packed that this was his only option? All in all, it's shameful. One gal per date.
Meet the Family
Conspiracy theories aside, this sounds like the kind of thing that reduces the chance of a second date to zero. Surprising your date with meeting the entire family – aunts, uncles, grandparents, and more? Maybe there are some groups that think meeting the family is an important part of the courting process, but you should at least give your gal a little bit of warning.
And then there's the movie, which is quite an interesting choice. Finally, notice how he basically had to trick her into going back to his house? What had they planned to do?
Neither the Time nor the Place
Ah yes. The underwear section. Where all the most famous declarations of love have occurred. Thing is, even if your gal would be okay with having you do this in the underwear section of a department store, you should at least wait until there's even a small chance that she'll reciprocate.
Also, why in the heck were they wandering around in the underwear department? He couldn't give her any of his sandwiches, so he decided to make up for the lack with something frilly? Sure, it's not even close to the worst first date you could have, but some people just boggle the mind.
Trying a Lot of Different Tactics
There is a lot to unpack here. There is far too much to unpack here. He pulls some sort of negging trick to start things off, talking about how he should have gotten another girl's number. A...unique bit of maneuvering, we'll admit, but probably not the right one.
After the date, he says something about dropping fat stacks in the gal's car and asks for it back. When she tells him the truth, he accuses her of lying. And none of that was even about the date proper! It seems like this guy was trying out some new ideas, but none of them landed – not a single one.
Hey, Thanks Cuz. Cool.
The strangest part about this interaction is it's a perfectly reasonable question unless we're missing something important. If you're out on a date with someone, you should be wondering if the person you're with is right for you.
It seems like the cousin was just trying to make sure his family member was doing the right thing for his life, but the girl took it the really wrong way. Whether or not they continued to the food and wine festival, that's an awkward ride. Was this a first date? If so, that's quite the trip.
I See Your Meal Had Onions
If you think a belch tastes bad when it's in YOUR mouth, imagine passing it on to someone else directly. We have to imagine that it makes for one poor kiss. Worst of all, that kind of smell is going to linger for at least a few minutes, which means you can't just step back, have an awkward shared laugh, and try again – that's it. You're done. You're outta there.
You're already going to be tasting the meal, the person's lips, maybe the tongue, and everything else that goes on inside the mouth, but adding a belch is far too much.
On the Plus Side, No Vampires
A little confused? Don't worry, we'll make everything simple. A clove of garlic is one of those little wedge-shaped sections that you'll find in individual segments. A head is an entire bulb, wrapped in skin, and made up of cloves.
If you don't know the difference still, there are usually ten to twelve cloves of garlic in each head, which means this woman used ten to twelve times the amount of garlic that was called for in the recipe. Many of us like some of that tasty, tasty garlic, but that's far too much for anybody except the most obsessed.
I'm Right Here
You just let her wander around? Just let her walk around the Denny's or whatever it was until you decided to take some pity on her and flag her down? We don't know why you would take so long, but we can bet that she wasn't all that pleased with it. Then again, if she had totally forgotten what you looked like, she was probably willing to let anything slide.
And look, they ended up getting married. We can only hope that she remembers what he looks like by now. Imagine her standing at the back of church dressed in white, nervous about which guy at the altar is about to marry her.
Surprise!
There are two ways this could have gone. The first one is that the guy was just as surprised as the gal was – he thought that she knew it was going to be a date and prepared accordingly. The other option is that he and the mom had planned this together, and he knew he was going to be surprising his date.
The first one is fine, but the second one is not fine. And according to the story, the mom didn't even realize that she should leave during the meal, she just stayed and ate. Not only does this not result in a second date, it probably resulted in a shouting match with mom.
I'm Not Anymore
While not only defending herself against vampires (even though in the original “Dracula” book, the titular vampire was repulsed by garlic FLOWERS, not the bulbs themselves), this lady also figured she could ward off any possible kisses.
Hard to imagine the guy being thrilled with the idea of her not only doing this but then telling him exactly why. If you weren't interested, Miss, you should have just said no when he asked. But she made a critical misstep in her attempt to stay away from smooching lips – what if the guy really likes garlic? She's in big trouble now.
Please Go Away
There are a couple of stories on this list about the families getting involved for one reason or another, but this one was at least accidental. Of course, as soon as the two parties realized what was going on, that should have been the end of it. If the family was there first, the guy or girl should have immediately turned around and said something like “actually, I thought of a better place. They have GREAT wraps.”
If the family walked in after the date started, the guy or gal should have given them the meanest dagger-eyes ever. Of course, often that isn't enough.
I Swear This Never Happens
Which part is worse? The fact that the date got to find out that this person has a false tooth? The part where the tooth fell out? The part when it fell directly into the coffee? It's all up to you. It's like a much worse version of losing your contact.
Everybody has contacts, but how many people have a fake tooth that can just, like, fall out whenever? Hey, that at least gives you something to talk about. How did you lose your tooth? A speed-skating accident? Well, that's quite interesting. Tell us more.
If You Have to Say It, It's Not True
Ah yes, frantically shouting something always makes it true if it wasn't before. We all know this from when we were arguing with our parents when we were children. If you have to scream it through the phone at a person that is being turned off by your previous options, you're scraping at the bottom of the barrel and you aren't going to get anything out of it.
Even worse, the woman had been clearly interested, and she even says so in the story. He takes things a little too far, unfortunately, by inviting his parents to the first date. Don't, uh, do that. Just don't. The first date should be you and your special someone and no one else.
Thanks for Letting Me Know
It sounds like there's a lot more to this story, but we're just getting the hits. The stinky, oily hits. Maybe he was betting on the idea that some ladies like the smell of a garage? It's out there, but he should have at least thrown on some cologne or something like that. Or at the VERY least washed his hands.
And then of course there was the...oversharing about hospitals. Why this guy thought that it would be a good idea to offer this kind of information is beyond us, but we think he needs to beef up his verbal filter a little bit.
We Think We Might Have Figured This One Out
So a guy shows up that wasn't the person this gal saw in the pictures, but he also thinks that SHE looks different than she looked in HER pictures. We like to imagine that there are another pair of people looking around for the people they had actually been messaging with.
However, instead of the guy handing over gas money to get the girl to go home, we also like to imagine that that other pair of people realized they were perfect for each other, and it was the beginning of a long and beautiful relationship. No gas money is needed.
That's... You're Not Supposed to...
If you're like us, you probably felt a chill go down your spine when you read that story. Nothing beats some delicious sauce on a nice piece of barbecue, but some people apparently like a store's special sauce a little bit too much. BBQ sauce is often high in vinegar and sugar, which makes it pretty tough to eat all on its own.
It will also suck all the moisture right out of your body. Sure, the guy likes the sauce, but we've never heard of this happening, and the girl hadn't either. She probably made the right choice.
Just Drive, Man, Drive!
Sure, parallel parking is kinda hard, especially in those crowded city lanes, but you can do better than that. Three attempts should have been plenty to get yourself in a good spot. And if not, maybe there's a better spot down the road a little bit.
Just be sure to tell your date that's why you're driving off, so that she doesn't just walk home, already telling all her friends about the goober who couldn't even get his car into a parking space. Of course, if you're taking that long to park, maybe you should just go. Spend the next hour practicing, and you'll be more prepared for the next date.
Why You Shouldn't Date Me:
Some people just make it too easy, you know? They let you know right off the bat that they aren't dating material, no matter how they look or how cool their car is.
This guy was practically built out of red flags: he brought a bunch of other people to the date, they didn't have anything planned other than “hanging out” and didn't have any money to do it with, and they didn't treat the waitress well, and then they left her a single dollar as a tip – inside a glass of water. Let there be no second date, and let this woman also warn all her friends.
And They Never Call Back
Yeah, Brent, but the government doesn't really care about your anime collection or how many posters you have on your walls. The funny thing is, it's not unlikely that somebody IS listening in using your phone, but it's just going to the servers at Google or Microsoft or wherever. Also, uh, we don't think that tape is really going to do enough to block the sound.
Tape isn't really made to do that. Unless you're talking about heavy-duty duct tape or something like that, but even that might not be enough. It's better to open them up and take the microphones out. You can't have calls anymore, but people just text anyway.
Sure, That's a Good Idea
It's like...if you could come up with a date that was deliberately as bad as possible without anything illegal happening, it would be hard to come up with something worse than this. Guy immediately gets hurt. The girl has to drive to the hospital using a stick shift, which is quite a bit harder than automatic.
She has to sit with him in the ER for a full quarter of a day. She has to hear about all the other stuff that has happened to him (from previous dates, we assume), and then she has to talk to the guy's mom. It's safe to assume there would have been more disasters had the two kept seeing each other so maybe it's a good thing they never spoke again.
What Needed to Be Said
Both parties are under a certain amount of stress when it comes to first dates. You want to pick the perfect outfit, you want to make sure your schedule is clear, and you want to make sure that everything goes perfectly. Guys have a bit more on their plate because they're often the ones doing the planning, doing the driving, paying for everything, etc.
If you suffer from panic attacks, it's prime real estate for a bad time. This story ended up fine enough, however, since he had given the girl a warning beforehand. We don't know if there was a second date, but we hope so.
And Who, in This Whole Wide World, Can Blame You?
If a lady that we worked with was talking about that kind of thing, it would really change the workplace dynamic. Everybody seems to love “The Office,” but if you actually had to work at a place that was that lax about the work hours, you would probably hate it.
You aren't going to be witty Jim or snarky Dwight, you're going to be long-suffering Stanley or poor Pam. This lady knew that she had to get out as quickly as possible, but the mom was still able to get in a memorable line before the night was over.
Gonna Need a Breath Mint
This is a premium-grade first-date horror story. A guy goes out with a lady and needs a little bit of liquid courage to get over the jitters. He then has way, way too much liquid courage, making him courageous even when he shouldn't be.
Which is kind of what courageous means, but it's not like he's facing down an army, here. He's just losing control. Here's a quick tip, if your mouth tastes disgusting after having to chunder, then don't go putting that mouth on someone else's mouth.
We Assume Everybody Was Embarrassed
There were so many ways this story could go. It could have gone in the comedic direction, with the guy frantically trying to keep his date occupied while the ex shoots daggers at him. It could be a darker direction, with the ex trying her hardest to not only ruin the date but make the guy look as awful as possible.
You know she has some stories, even if she has to make them up. While this seems like perfect story fodder, it was probably a super embarrassing event for the guy. You should always tip your waitress, but we hope that this guy understood he should shell out a little more, as long as things didn't go too badly.
That's Never What You Want to Hear
If the kids had any say in things, as soon as they were born, their mother would become dowdy and frumpy, and absolutely unable to attract anyone other than their father, who would still find them beautiful, of course.
But that's just not how things work out, much to the dismay of some of the kids. Such as this one, who had to listen to his date go on and on about how attractive the mom was. We can at least give the gal some credit since she didn't know about the relationship, but that's still not a perfect dating approach. You're supposed to be paying attention to the person across from you, not someone else.
Sorry to Disappoint
Hopefully, this person eventually learns that different people look different because this will make life difficult. Case of mistaken identity aside, here's a little tip for everyone out there: if this kind of thought pops up in your head — lie.
Actually, better yet, don't even mention it at all. Sure, you might have been expecting to have a different member of the young lady's family sitting across from you, but that doesn't mean you have to say it out loud. What if you're the kind of person that doesn't have a filter? Then learn. Have one installed. Start to cultivate one immediately. There's another way to describe people without filters: jerks.
Yeah, You Should Be. How About That
This guy was so close. He was so close. He almost had it figured out. He almost got it. But then he fell back into his own mind and kept thinking about himself. Most ladies these days are smart enough to bring their own coats along if they know it's going to get cold, but sometimes the weather can change on a dime.
That's why guys should always be prepared to offer their own coats to keep her comfortable. This guy must have missed the memo, which meant he also missed a second date. Maybe he was making a joke, but it wasn't a very good one. Guys, offer your jackets if you think it's cold.
Now, Who Could Stacy Be?
You might not even know how important names are, but we're here to tell you. For a lot of people, the most important, maybe even the BEST, sound in the world is the sound of their own name. That's why you have salesmen, politicians, and other people who want to make an impact repeat names so often.
It's why not remembering someone's name can be so embarrassing, and why remembering names is such a good skill to have. Thus, it comes that if you've spent three hours with someone that you met on Tinder, which does, actually, display your name, then you should be ashamed. Be ashamed!
That's Not How You Butter Someone Up
The lady probably had the right idea to get out of there. Butter knives, by definition, are not sharp or all that dangerous, but they're still not meant for thighs.
They're meant for butter. It's right there in the name. Every date can be a learning experience, and hopefully, this guy learned a couple of very important things, such as which questions not to ask, and which things not to do with a butter knife. The rest of us learned those things, too.
Time for Some Constructive Criticism
So not only did this guy write a short story about a guy taking a girl's life and stashing her body in his trunk – that's one thing, but he also had his date read it? My man, you have to at least compartmentalize a little bit.
Leave it until after you've gotten to know each other a little better, and she can at least assume you aren't going to let life imitate art. Plus, twenty pages? If it was single-spaced, that could have taken anywhere from thirty minutes to a half-hour.
No, She's My...Driver
You might think this is okay, but you have to realize that this was probably happening after the person should reasonably be able to drive himself. If you get asked out by a fourteen-year-old, you can't really expect him to drive himself. But someone who has graduated college will either drive his own car or just ask to borrow someone else's.
We don't know all the details about this meetup, but we can assume from the woman's response that the guy should have been able to drive himself. Is this a red flag? It kind of seems like a red flag. Maybe an orange flag.
Not the Right Kind of Convo
Uh...let's take this piece by piece. First, don't lie about things like your height. It makes it very clear that you're insecure about it, and it's really, really easy to notice, especially with such a disparity. The stated and actual heights were more than half a foot apart – everybody is going to notice that.
Second, leave the body part talk until at LEAST the second date, because...actually, why would this guy even bring it up at all? We have no idea, the woman had no idea, and the tables around them had no idea. Then there's the kinky stuff, which also wasn't proper. Zero marks.
Here's the Thing
If you just got home from a terrible first date, and you happened to find this article...well, first off, that's got to be some bad timing, right? But second, remember that EVERY first date is going to be weird and awkward. It's one of those things you can't really study for, despite the books and websites out there.
Sure, you can pick up some handy tips (hopefully this article will have something useful) but unless you're out there in the dating waters, you'll never get any better. Time to start swimming, little fish, even if your first swim leaves you nervous and sweaty.
Classic Little Sister
If your younger sister doesn't try to pull these kinds of shenanigans, do you really have a younger sister? Our scientists say no. Well done to the sister to find out the time that the date was, what movie they were seeing, and which movie theater it was. We assume that the guy and gal were both looking around for what was going on, so she had to be a bit stealthy, too.
You know, duck down in her row whenever they would turn around to try and figure out who was throwing something. We wonder how long the sister kept this little secret to herself.
Time to Learn Some Bravado
There are a lot of people out there that can't handle going to a public bathroom, and we get it. Mostly, anyway. Sure, they're probably a little gross, and there might be other people in there, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and take the plunge to keep a date moving.
Of course, with what we now know about his tactics on the toilet, this guy might have a really good reason for not wanting to spend any time in public bathrooms. Our advice: more fiber, more water, and a lot fewer carbohydrates. That will pick things up.
It's Not You, I Swear
While usually there's nothing less disgusting as “Monsters University,” this might be the first time that someone had to run to unload during the movie. Good ol' Mike and Sully might be monsters, but they aren't THAT disgusting. Of course, the true culprit here is probably Chili's, since even first-date jitters won't result in that much expulsion.
This guy was all set to make a new friend, but instead, all he did was probably get a sick taste in his mouth and have to make a long walk home where he could try and forget the entire night in the formless depths of sleep.
Gotta Be Upfront
Going to a soccer game seems like a reasonable first date as long as you're both into it, but not letting slip that it's your little sister's game, and your entire family is going to be there? That will get you a red card for sure.
As long as the relationship has been going on for a little while, seeing a family member show off on the pitch isn't bad, but it's a terrible first date. Awkward conversations and the hot, blistering sun doesn't make for the best day overall, even if you were prepared for on-field action.
Let's Not Talk About This
Who knows what really happened, but I think everybody who's hit an age that has double digits can probably guess. While it's possible that this wasn't what everybody would call a date (rule of thumb: if you didn't use the word “date,” don't assume it's a date), there absolutely were overtures heading in that direction.
Until, of course, the woman realized she couldn't hold it. Not only did she take the chance to escape from the person across the table, but she also probably couldn't even bear to be in the restaurant at all – everybody around her had heard her tear the corduroy.
Trust Me, the Truth Is Much Worse
Poor guy got left at the coffee shop or wherever and didn't even get to learn the truth about why he had been stood up. Of course, we get the sensation that he...probably wouldn't want to know what had just happened to his date, since it would pretty much kill the mood.
We're a little shocked that this date still went through – she was two hours late. At that point, she could have just called things off, and he could have also come to the obvious conclusion that she wasn't going to make it after two full hours. They must have been really interested in each other. Yeah, that was it.
At Least He Was Dressed Nice
They are very important events, but a funeral isn't exactly where you should go if you're trying to get to know someone. They might have the word “fun” in the name, but that doesn't mean they're going to have a good time.
Sure, if you've been seeing someone for a little while, you might want to bring that person along, but we wouldn't recommend it as a first-date option, even if you already had plans at that time. However, it seems like this relationship wasn't going to go very far based on how the conversation went, so at least this gal got a unique story out of it.
Look, Maybe Just Stop Going on Tinder
Lots of people on Tinder. Loooooots of people. A lot of people think that being on Tinder just lets them act whatever way they want, and everybody else will just have to accept it.
This results in people who think the right thing to do on a first date and streak around the backyard. Maybe this guy was having an off day, and most of the time he's a perfect gentleman. Well, then he'll have to simply explain that to the woman – oh, she blocked him. Oh well, he was probably a wild goober.